Oh Facebook. While in the beginning you may have seemed like a shining beacon of hope in a world filled with Bebo Stunnahz and more widgets than we knew what to do with, you have since descended into a black hole filled with, eh, Bebo Stunnahz and the most pointless ‘like’ pages ever to come into existence. What’s more, you’re not even trying to hide it anymore, as you slowly force Timeline onto unsuspecting neophobes; you look just like Bebo and you like it.
What’s worse than giving Bebo Stunnahz a huge space in the form of a cover photo to plaster their best duckface-in-the-bathroom-on-a-night-out photo, is that Timeline is a stalker’s dream. Not only does it allow you to very easily track every move anyone’s ever made on Facebook, but it gives you the option to record unnecessary details like your first kiss, every cold you’ve ever had, and really, any time you’ve so much as moved outside your front door. Then again, if you’re silly enough to add these things in, you probably fall into the category of ‘being-shit-at-Facebook’.
Number one on the list of offences by those who are shit at Facebook? Thinking anyone cares. Absolutely no one cares what you’re doing at this moment in time, or wants to know about every breath you take. If you’re posting more than one of these self-important, inane statuses a day, you should really take the time to move yourself over to Twitter, where at the very least, you’ll have to limit yourself to 140 characters for any one update. It’s still highly probable that no one will care, but the social norms over there are a little looser and we won’t be obliged to follow you unless we have masochistic tendencies and wish to die of boredom.
If you’re posting multiple statuses which solely consist of a sad face or something equally as vague and attention-seeking, you shouldn’t be allowed to have a profile. You may as well just put up a status saying, “I’m so lonely, talk to me please.” If you need pity comments from people who are barely your friends to validate your existence, you should go play in traffic.
More annoying than status updates are incessant event invitations. There is no need for every club night in existence to have an event page, and more unnecessary than that is Ents inviting everyone to every single one of them, especially when they are always called something ridiculous like ‘Shifters Tuesdays at Copper Face Jacks’, which is just the most pathetic thing. Smell of desperation, Signature Group. Just stop trying.
Even an invitation to ‘Suck My Deck’ could be overlooked, however, so long as you’re not the person constantly sending app invitations. They’re the worst kind of people, not just at Facebook, but at life. Go outside and make a friend. Seriously.